Today I spoke to my children with complete vulnerability.I was filled with shame. How could I loose my calm? I have been teaching people about unconditional love (its not a fairy tale concept trust me, it's undoing a whole lifetime of generational trauma...)
Why did I snap?
I have been doing my Istaghfar, I have been moving on but somewhere in the back of my head the whole episode is playing again and again and I have come to the conclusion that it was entirely my fault. I am not sulking or in a blame mode... I was trying to understand what triggered me.
I track back carefully combing through the events and come to the conclusion,
I was embarrassed and my emotion in that moment was I am more powerful than you. The oldest emotional blindness hazard .. EGO.
It was my ego that needed instant gratification and I caved in to it.
It took my two whole days to bring up the topic while I had them in the car, driving somewhere. What were they going to do? jump off the car! (lol) Don't mind my sense of humor, I did not plan to trap them in this conversation, but usually drives are a good time to get their attention, at least that has always worked for me.
I owned up to my wrong judgement. They listened quietly, they did not interrupt me.
Did they understand I was ashamed? Were they being kind to me by not rubbing it in? I want to think so. I want to think and believe that they have the emotional intelligence of being kind enough to silently say I hear you, mama. I recognize mama it's your vulnerable moment. Mama you are ok, it's ok.
I did ask them if they wanted to add something to the conversation, their point of view etc. they said no, I told them they are in a safe space, I won't charge on them, they simply said, "we are ok mama." They gave me comfort through their silence, I am not sure what was I expecting from them to be honest.
While writing this I have thought a couple of times to ask them, what went thought your mind when I was talking, but then I stopped myself. If they had felt comfortable enough to say something, they would have. They don't hold back, trust me.
Their silence taught me something today,
But how do I do that?
It will take time, Iram. It will take a lot of practice.
After talking to them I had a lightbulb moment," Iram you did good:)
I know it seems like a gloating statement, but in order to move forward I will embrace my flaws and be happy with my victories. If there is no shame in admitting mistakes, there should be no shame in admitting the proud moments as well. Right?
I am happy with the thought that maybe .. hopefully .. In Shaa Allah I have not raised them to become YES people.... If that's truly the case then AlhamdulilAllah.
What a relief.