I say to myself often, another day gone by. A number of breadths, thoughts and emotions registered by the angels.
It amazes me how easily we are bored with the extraordinary of mundane.
It seems each day is the same, but is it really?
All of these are seasons... passing by quickly, quietly.
Knowingly we hesitate to harness the gift of present, so worried about the uncertain, preparing for a future that none can guarantee and nonce can foresee.
I remember how awesome were those drooling kisses. I know it sounds gross, but any mother here can say even with the EEWEH in the expression there was a smile, a laugh an eye contact filled with love and acknowledgement of appreciation.
I replay the giggles after I would get those wet kisses and the mischievous laughter that would follow.
The funny thing is as parents we are so consumesd with the future and how should we to prepare them for it that we forget to be present with them in the now.
As I write this, in the wee hours of night, I can hear my hubby snore, while the dryer is on and Sarah Baqarah is playing. It' peaceful , and quiet. Soon this quiet will become to often too regular bringing the longing of noise an commotion.
Silly us, never appreciative or certain of what we want.
I often catch myself scrolling though their younger years photo and video albums. I was so lost in those years.
I know I fed them bathed them, did things for them .. but the laughter, the playing the conversations are all a blur.
I remember being angry, tired, frustrated .. lost...
Why? why did I do that?
Lack of empathy?
Feeling sorry for myself all the time
Not knowing the joy of parenting.
I saw it as a hard, long task.
But the fact is parenting is a journey, it is not a task.
Tasks end. Parenting is for life.
It ends with when I stop breathing. That would be my last day on the job.
They often recall their "Childhood stories" and I often catch myself asking.. Really that happened? Where was I ? and they would laugh out and say mama you were there, don't you remember?
I sincerely don't remember.
For the past few years with homeschooling I would like to think that we have grown closers as a family. We are more comfortable having conversations and facing conflict.
But this phase has its bad days as well.
At times I am taken aback when boundaries are crossed, trust is broken and in response forgetting all of my hard earned calm and collective parenting style.
When they start bickering or shaming each other, or when they in the name of fun busy each other.
Yes all of this happens on regular basses in IrambintSafia's house as well.
But we study, learn, re- learn to put into practice and understand the why to what we are trying to accomplish.
A peaceful kind, empathetic approach to living. I know for sure that the seeds I am sowing today .. will bring fruit tomorrow In Shaa Allah. It's just tough to see how strong the roots are catching specially when they aren't visible.
Patience is any parent's only best friend. The sooner we come to terms with this fact the better. The magic formula to healthy happy children is rooted in our patience. The fact of the matter is whether we are in the parenting season of 2's or 20's, motherhood is challenging full of surprises, proud humbling moments and a lot of messes along the way.
The difference between my parenting 10 years ago and now is that even though they have grown taller me (Mashallah) I kiss them goodnight more diligently. I say I love you more often, more intently. I can't make up for the missed opportunities, what's gone is gone.
But the present, the sweet present is for me to love, nurture and be a conscious parent.
Society emphasizes on motherhood often labeling it as a privilege.
On giving much thought I do see it as one.
The break and make of my personality over the years, learning humility, sacrifice, intense emotional regulation, in order to make beautiful memories, nurture human hearts and letting go of the fear of what shall become to certainly working calmly and intently on what is ... has shaped me as a strong woman. It has given me a sense of purpose and direction.
I honor motherhood and understand that we are humans in comparatively similar situations feeling different wavelength of emotions regularly.
Motherhood journey is not for the weak. It is empowering, soul searching, purpose filling and selfless.
I hope in the long run, we learn to acknowledge, embrace and applaud each other in the sisterhood of motherhood.