There are moments when I choose to cry out my sadness or anxiety. This happens without a trigger without panic without a critic going off in my head.
I just simply need to relieve my heart.
Children are doing well, or atleast I want to be believe they are.
There are so many things I want to teach them.
But I am inadequate in habits or mindset or finances or simply ambition.
I feel the sadness when I think I have chosen myself over them.
This entrepreneurship came at a time in life when it was a do or die situation for me.
And I chose me.
It’s ok, I tell myself. I am juggling everything. Haphazardly.
If I sit and think about what is it that I want from myself and my children and my current circumstances and everything points to me, my sense of fulfillment.
I have a direction for them, for myself. The only problem is I feel grudgingly tired.
Why does it have to be either or ?
Why can’t it be all.
Let’s look at it like this, all of what I am doing now, I was always capable of but I did not imagine it to be for me.
I did not foresee this kind of a life.
It happened just like that.
My homeschooling journey too, happened in a moment’s decision.Moving temporarily from one city to another was also a quick decision.But you see things just don’t happen.
There are stories,fears and situations that propagate split second or well thought out decisions.
Everyone does not need to know the backstory. Everyone cannot see the daily struggle.
And that’s a fantastic thing.
I love the fact that we all have some mystery, some thing to keep personal. Something to talk about years down from today.
My children are my mystery.
I don’t know what’s going to happen in their future.
I don’t have a clue whether or not the path we (the parents) have put them on is going to be beneficial for them.
Most of it is my gut feeling, honestly.
I feel sad because I know I can’t fix everything. And I know some of the wrongs that will happen in their life might
be due to my thought process,their upbringing and what they see in me, through me.
It’s ok, as long as they will remember to keep moving.
Keep moving dear children.
Just remember, this life is temporary. There is a lot of margin for error and redemption.
Allah Subhanahu Wa TALA has given that
guarantee, when He says I will forgive my servant whenever he returns to Me.
I hope and pray that they will remember this, no matter what.
The rest... the heart aches and the life struggles and the unique tests that await them ... are theirs alone:
I can only teach them to be resilient, brave, honest, kind, grateful, patient ...
Today we had a brief open discussion about LGBTQ ..
What does our faith ask us to do?
What are the things we need to understand?
Where do we draw a line?
On the surface it seems pretty straight forward, but it isn’t. I know it won’t be. By the time they are out and about in the world things like morals, values, ethics, religion are all going to be extremely difficult. I see that, I understand that and that makes my heart ache.
I have no control and I do not wish to control either.I understand and believe wholeheartedly in the saying
Your children are born for a different time.
Yes they are.
And the Hadith keeps me in check
Anas ibn Malik reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “A time of patience will come to people in which adhering to one’s religion is like grasping a hot coal.”
Source: Sunan al-Tirmidhī 2260
Grade: Sahih (authentic) according to Al-Albani
It is what it will be.
I am not a passive parent. I honestly want what’s best for their deen and dunya.
The funny thing is we live in times where
Deen no matter how young at an age you start .. they will loose it
or will be at the brink of loosing, unless Allah Subhanahu Wa TALA blesses the heart with faith and the courage to hold on to it strongly.
And dunya no matter how much of a bubble you create will seep into their hearts like the barren land soaks in water.
I cry often because I see... I see where we stand and what’s about to come.
I am grateful for the time I lived on earth. I am extremely grateful to be able to separate the haq from batil still.
I cannot guarantee my heart’s Iman, but I know I have the opportunity to pray freely.
I feel sad often, I think I know why.
I want to tell my children you don’t have time to get entangled in ego wars with loved ones or people outside of home.
You purpose your mission won’t be living a comfortable life but in fact surviving each day with your iman intact.
I don’t want to scare them.
They will recognize the importance of knowing their Rab when the time comes, I am certain. I pray .. everyday I pray... Ya Rab make us and our offsprings among Your Mukhliseen. Ameen.
And when Allah will command .. it shall BE......