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How to conduct difficult conversations with our children

The most difficult thing in any relationship is to sit down and have a conversation that both the parties are detesting. Just to know that our loved one is not on the same page with us causes anxiety at least to me it does.


Our yearning is to be heard, to be seen, to be loved, to be excepted, to be validated,

to be acknowledged. What we neglect or oversee is that the people that we love will disagree with us and the people that we work so hard for to maintain a relationship will have a different point of view and it might seem disappointing or as a failure or even may come as a shock. But the reality is people are people, they are bound to make their observations, they are allowed to express their perspective, they are going to push boundaries and all of this is only human nature.

Just not so long ago you and I were young aspiring naïve youth. We had ideas, notions, and belief systems that we are going to change, fix and make the world a better place. Did we accomplish our task? I believe we’re still doing all those things in our ways.


Today’s norms and culture are extreme m. It is a “you are with me or against me” mentality.


Every generation has its own set of rules and ideas and boundaries are always pushed to seek something better and that’s a good thing but when as a parent you’re going through the process of learning and understanding yourself and what things we learned when we were younger and were OK then and now suddenly the society is telling us to change.



How do we shift our gears? How do we stay both authentic to our self our belief system as well as open to something new to us and maybe it makes the world a better place?

It’s a difficult spot to be in.

To be a parent of any new era when the youth is growing and telling us all you people were so wrong you did this wrong and you did that wrong and we are going to fix you were going to tell you.


All of their claims aren‘t right or wrong in their entirety.


I often marvel at Allah Subhanahu Wa TALA’s wisdom, when we are young, we lack experience and have so much zeal!

and as we grow old we have so much experience but our zeal is depleting.


Hence at all stages of life, we need each other!


That partnership between the youth and the old is so necessary and important.

♦️Difficult conversations will come up

♦️ideas will be excepted and rejected and ♦️we will be put in the spots to have difficult conversations


it’s not so much about taking sides but it is more about being open to hearing a point of view the expectations that are put into today’s social media conversations is,


If I’m putting my point a few out there, you agree with me, which is problematic to our parenting today.


Not everything that’s put out there is right

or needs to be agreed upon which goes both ways


So how to go through those phases of conflicting and uneasy conversations lol when two people under the same roof are just trying to navigate through what life is today for us?

Redirecting children to better behavior when you see them in action.

What helps the teen to intently check or reflect on their behavior?

♦️Communication. The one that is based on

💞Acknowledgment

💞Validation and open heart-centric exchange of feelings.


With conscious practice, the following phrases will become authentic in our conversations


If I feel triggered or threatened by my child (the teen) I can calmly tell them this is not a good time


Instead of saying You are hurting my feeling or you are triggering me

Say

♦️I am feeling overwhelmed

I need to process this

I would appreciate a more toned down tone

♦️Please come back to me when you are calm and coherent so that I too remain open to your point of view


♦️Let’s take a break

Emotions are running high and I am feeling a rage …

I want to ask myself what’s happening and understand where are you coming from


♦️I cannot understand what you are asking of me


♦️I am unable to comprehend what you are saying

Please be patient and say this again


♦️Do you believe in your remark?


♦️Is that truth or your truth?


♦️Would you be open to hearing my point of view after I have heard yours without interrupting you ( you are laying down a boundary and hope )


♦️Hmm.. interesting, this is new for me .. tell me more


♦️I am trying to be non Judgmental and open sincerely, I am, however, it is hard for me ( showing vulnerability is creating a safe space)


♦️I have been trying hard to make you hear my point of view, at the end of the day you are an adult ( Islamically ) and responsible for your deeds. My utmost obligation is to rear you with kindness.

💙The following is for the parents whose children choose

⚠️To leave the Islamic fundamentals

⚠️Live in relationships

⚠️Leaving salah

⚠️Announcing they are experimenting with their sexuality

⚠️Drinking alcohol, vaping taking drugs

⚠️Experimenting the norms of tik tok no matter how vulgar they are

⚠️Not understanding the limits and bounds is Haya

After the whole ordeal of crying your heart out to Allah, loved ones, and trying to make sense

You ultimately have to come to the conversation with your child.

It may take some time to practice this but if you do

Sincerely it will help you move one baby step at a time to acceptance of the test we call parenthood.

♦️I am trying however I am hurt too.

♦️I will make dua that Allah eases our hearts and opens our minds to wisdom, sensibility, and choosing of what’s right for our Dunya and Akhirah.

♦️As a parent it’s my job to keep giving you reminders, as an adult, it’s your job to make sense of what serves you in both the worlds long term.

♦️I will continue to love you with kindness, forgive my irritation and shortcomings. I am working on it.


♦️I disagree with you now and maybe always will on this decision but that doesn’t change the fact you are my child and I love you.

♦️I will try my best to be kind and patient with you but I cannot promise to be ok with disobeying Allah’s commands.


♦️For such matters, my reminders will continue and so will my Duas.


♦️It bleeds my heart to see you like this, please trust me and tell me what can I do to help you.


♦️Can we find a common ground to start conversations, I want to be able to understand why you chose this path

♦️ Can we together research on your understanding, scientifically, from a religious lens, of all religions if that’s what you want

♦️I am researching this topic and here are the things of BOTH sides of the arguments I have found

♦️ I am confused and want to talk to therapists, doctors, imams regarding this matter, would you like to join me in this matter?

♦️ Perhaps I will need to learn more from Quran and Sunnah perspective .. give me the time I am struggling to come to terms with your decision. ( when children want to marry outside of ethnicity but to Muslims )

I hope these conversation starters will be helpful.

#parentinguncomplicatedwithirambintsafia

#havingdifficultconversationswithourchildren

#theartoftalkingwithauthenticity


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As Irambintsafia I must admit, I have done not much service to my mother, Safia.Instead, she as my parent, has served me ( which I will never be able to repay) for all my years on earth. I am not sha